It's a bit of a scary thing, thinking about playing genetic lottery and having kids. We are both aware that our kids could go either way, really; they could have it all, or they could be total duds. We've got good and bad in our genetic pool...
Kid A: The Lucky One
Also, a Radiohead album. But that has nothing to do with this.
1. Above-average in height, but not freakishly tall. Bob is pretty tall but not a giant, and I am average. So our kid could be a bit above average and would not have to hem his/her pants or ask tall people to reach the top shelf in Superstore.
2. Reasonably good-looking. Perhaps I am biased, but I think that my parents are decent looking people, and so are Bob's parents, and so are we. None of us are models, but maybe we could be part-time models, even though we'd probably have to keep our regular jobs. But our kid could be good-looking, there's a good mix of colouration and descent in there to make up a nice-looking person.
3. Pretty good at sports. Bob's Dad was a very good baseball player. I'm a decent soccer player. My Dad was a bit of a track star. Our moms...are hopeless. As are our siblings. But if we're lucky, our kid could be pretty good at sports.
4. Dang smart. This is where our kid could really shine. Bob's smart, I'm smart, our parents are smart, my brothers are smart. Everyone's done at least one University degree, a bunch of us have two. I understand that these days that might not be a really incredible achievement, but I'd like to think that given our track record, our kid could be highly intelligent.
5. Socially aware. We have friends. Our families have friends. There is a reasonable level of social awkwardness amongst us, but not so much that we can't overcome it, and hopefully our kid wouldn't get a crazy amount of it and will actually be able to interact with other humans.
Kid B: The Less Lucky One
This scenario...might actually be more likely. Poor kid.
1. Totally freaking blind. Bob wears glasses. I wear glasses. Our siblings wear glasses. Our parents wear glasses. The chances of our kid being able to see past his own nose is pretty slim.
2. Short and fat. Both our moms are short. Both our families have tendencies to carry extra weight, although not tons. But with the right/wrong genetic mix, our kid will look like Cartman.
3. Ugmo. I'm thinking this would not make for a very attractive person: Bob's freckles, my darker skin, Bob's hairy arms and legs, my double-chin, the bigger nose, the smaller mouth, close-set eyes with big bags under them, bad teeth. It could all happen. Plus a bunch of other stuff I don't even know about, I'm sure.
4. Physically incapable of even walking and chewing gum. To be frank, we'll probably NOT have a sports-star kid. Probably the opposite. I'm anticipating beaning the kid in the head with many a ball trying to teach them sports.
5. El Stupido. We both come from families of wiseasses, both of which have some learning disabilities thrown in the mix. I can hardly imagine the worst-case scenario for us...a smart-aleck dummy, who always thinks he's right but NEVER NEVER is. Arrrgh.
...but I digress. This episode was not intended to focus on what our kids might or might not be like.
Instead, I wanted to talk about naming those kids.
It's a terrible power that parents have over their children, deciding what their names will be. I've met a number of people who have totally inappropriate names. I sometimes take the liberty of assigning a new name to those people. It's not usually on purpose. It's usually because I forget their real names and just make up new ones that seem to fit.
My father works with children and has told stories of hilarious names he comes across. One time he met a kid of two flowery, ridiculous hippy-leftovers who had named her "Rhythm Sha Na Na" or something like that. Another couple had not named their child, instead allowing her to name HERSELF when she was old enough to talk. The result? Some poor schmuck will be called "Princess Baby" for the rest of her life, and she has no one to blame but herself...in a way. I figure it happened because she was 2 years old, for pete's sake, and had been referred to as "Baby" up until that point. It's a good thing she was into princesses at that point in her life and not shrimp or dogs or crocodiles.
Bob and I talked a bit about serious names for our kids. He likes "Sophia" a lot for a girl, as she is the goddess of wisdom, but my cousins named their daughter Sophia. I can't remember what other names we discussed.
I DO remember the funny ones.
I feel like this might not be an appropriate opportunity for comedic follow-through, but check back in five years and see if I have kids named the following:
1. For a first-born boy: Optimus Prime. Self-explanatory.
2. Jesus. It's funny because Spanish kids are named Jesus, and it's pronounced "Hey-Zoos". So when teachers call out his name, they'll probably say "Hey-Zoos?" and he'll say "It's pronounced 'Jesus'. It's biblical." He he he.
3. One already taken, and maybe not intended to be funny: Blandon. This was on the nametag of the kid who served me at the grocery store the other day. I think I made him nervous because I kept staring at it, wondering what would possess people to name him that. He was Asian...is it simply the Asian spelling of "Brandon", allowing for the Asian pronunciation? Or is it a reflection of his personality? Either way, amazing.
I'm sure I could think of a bunch of other hilarious names to inflict on my offspring, but that's all for now. In all honesty, I plan on being very thoughtful and careful about what I name my kids. I wonder if people named "Mitzi" and "Brandi" have a different go of things than people named "Bertha" or "Olga" and if their lives are unlike those named "Jeeves" and "Hubert".
We're lucky- Heather is a decent name; Bob has the power of the old man behind his name. Hopefully we can grace our children with the same luck...if I can reign in my desire to be hilarious.
Moral of this story: The doctor says your nosebleeds will stop if you keep your fingers out of there!
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