I'm Watching it for the Articles? Funny.

Attention readers.  If you are easily offended- which you probably aren’t if you made it this far- be forewarned.  I’ma gonna make a lot of off-colour jokes about adult films in this particular entry.  If you read anyway, don’t jump to the conclusion that I am a pervert or whatever.  I’m just trying to be funny.

I was listening to the radio one morning on the way to work- I listen to Don, Joanne and Natasha on XL 103.  I used to listen to X 92.9 until I got so weary of their constant angry tirades against, well, usually nothing, that I decided to try and get into a more positive frame of mind in the mornings.  Don is, in my opinion, hilarious.  He is so much like every great part of people’s Dads.  He tells Dadly jokes and looks like a Dad.  Since my own Dad doesn’t have a morning radio show, Don will have to do.

Anyway, so Don was reading the news, and there was some bit about how there will be a new multi-plex theatre in the south somewhere.  It will include an “adult-only” theatre.

My immediate reaction was “What what whaaaat????  I thought that only happened in the US!”

Natasha, the producer (or whoever that third person is, who talks a bit but doesn’t get top billing), thought the same thing.

Turns out that in this case, “adult-only” theatre simply means that it is a theatre targeted at adults (nothing worse than a damn buncha kids in the theatre, amirite???), where they will serve alcohol and maybe lottery tickets, or something else age-controlled.

Whatever it is, it made me think of adult movie theatres.  Not the ones where kids aren’t allowed simply because they are annoying- the ones where kids aren’t allowed because THEY ARE SHOWING PORN.

Every once in a while you hear about some b-list celebrity getting busted for lewd conduct in an adult movie theatre.  Recently, it was this guy:

 

…who you may recall from such heartwarming roles as the Buy ‘n’ Large CEO in Wall-E or the grandfather in Modern Family.

He denies the accusations, but here’s my take on it.

First of all.  WHY are there public theatres that show pornographic movies?  WHY is this not something exclusively enjoyed in the privacy of one’s domicile??  Are people so completely technologically inept that they cannot locate porn at home?

You couldn’t POSSIBLY argue that the people frequenting the adult movie theatre are doing so to try and maintain dignity or anonymity.

“I didn’t go and get a porn movie to watch at home because SOMEONE MIGHT SEE ME!!  So I went to a three-hundred seat venue and sat by myself watching it with a bunch of other dudes.”

Perhaps the demand for the theatre-showing lies in the desire for the theatre experience.

“I LOVE popcorn.  And no one makes it like the theatre.  That, plus porn, equals perfect outing!”

“I just don’t have the picture quality or sound definition at home that I want.  You can practically COUNT HAIRS at the theatre!!”

Although I DOUBT that at the adult movie theatre you are getting prime popcorn or high-def anything.  And the floors will be sticky like any other theatre, but I would hazard a guess that they are for different reasons.

So I don’t get it.  Why do these places exist at all??  But I digress.  They do, and I shall move on to my next point.

Second.  If these places are sanctioned and legal and all that, and bring in business, and are popular enough to run, what’s with all the prudes thinking even for a SECOND that people are going to…

Go in there…

“What shall we do tonight my dear?”

“Why a visit to the cinema shall be grand.”

“Indubitably.”

Check out the playbill…

 “And what is showing this evening?”

“Big Booty Babes, Throbbin’ Hood, Spankenstein and March of the Penguins.”

“Oh I heard that one is narrated by Morgan Freeman!”

“Yes, although he doesn’t like to talk about his work with Kevin Costner.”

 

Choose a film, and pay for their tickets…

 

“Two for ‘Throbbin’ Hood’”.

“That’ll be $24.50.”

Get the usual snacks…

“I swear, my dear, $24.50 for the movie ALONE and now they want $14 for a popcorn and drink??  I’ve a mind to bring my own!”

“Don’t make a scene, dear.  And it’ll be $19, I want Sour Patch Kids.”

“My word!”

 

Find their seats…

“Do you want to sit near the front, or the back?”

“How about somewhere in the middle?  I like to see the whole screen but, not too far away.”

Sit down and watch it like two normal human beings enjoying a piece of cinema…

“Oh lovely.  What a performance.  I am truly enjoying this.”

“Why yes!  Spectacular costuming!”

Like THAT is what happens???

Is anyone so completely naïve to think that is what happens??

Now, I cannot say for certain what happens in adult movie theatres, other than from what I gather, they screen adult films.  I’ve never been and don’t have any first hand accounts.

(there’s a joke in there about first hands…but I won’t go there.)

BUT.

I think I can make a pretty accurate inference that people are NOT behaving in a similar manner to when they go see “Babe: Pig in the City.”

This is NOT an adult movie.

AND WHY WOULD THEY?

They’re WATCHING PORN!  It doesn’t matter what that teenage boy says!  He’s not reading Playboy for the articles!!!

THEY’RE NOT WATCHING IT FOR THE DIALOGUE!
My point is this- who CARES if they are engaged in “lewd conduct”?

WHAT THE HELL DID YOU EXPECT???

Seems like entrapment to me when people get busted for it in an adult movie theatre.  YES, that would be horrifying in a screening of “Finding Nemo: 3D”.  YES, it would be totally inappropriate and awful during “Eat, Pray, Love.”

But during a porn movie??

Which leads me to what I think is funny.

I don’t really have any desire at all to go to an adult theatre.  I don’t even really know where I would find one. 

But it’s funny in my head to think about going to an adult theatre in a nice outfit, after a nice dinner, with Bob or a group of friends, and go about our business like it was just a regular movie.

Read the playbill.

Get the tickets.

Buy the popcorn.

Make bland conversation about the location of the seats, the sticky floors.

Turn off our cell phones and watch the movie.  Laugh occasionally at funny parts, weep during touching moments, applaud if it moves us so.

Leave the theatre and make comments about the acting, the story, etc.  Ponder if it will win awards or be slammed by critics.

…and you know why that’s funny?

Because NO ONE ELSE is doing it.

Not at those theatres.

The moral of this story?  If you have a big purse, or satchel, you SHOULD bring your own Sour Patch Kids.  Five bucks is highway robbery.