BEEn a long time...

So, I have thought about writing in this blog for a really long time.  Months, or something like that.  I even have some entry-starters saved in a note on my phone, ready for me to flesh out into internet glory.

But I kept not doing it.  Busy with work, or being a goodfornothing layabout.  Some excuse.

Anyway, I haven't chosen a topic for this entry.  It's not going to be a composed piece about something funny that we should all do.

Instead, it will be a bunch of ramblings and trivia that I think is interesting or funny.

For your consideration:

EXTREME BEES!!!

Bees are really weird.

Bob reads the "I Fucking Love Science" stuff that goes around on the interwebs.  Some of it is interesting, some of it is false, some of it is hilarious.  He keeps me in the loop of the stuff he finds noteworthy.  Today he told me some information about bees.

I already know some about bees.

   What I Already Know About Bees

1. Bees freak me out.  I had one in the house, a big fat bumblebee.  It wasn't its fault.  It probably just wanted to get the hell out and fly to the hive and dance a jig about being trapped in a human house, and then make honey.  But they scare me, probably as a result of this:

Which is what happens when I am stung by a wasp.

I know that's not fair to bees.  But I know that people who are allergic to bees sometimes die from it, and I can only assume, in my vast knowledge on the subject, that I will die if a bee even lands on me.  So I fought that bee, that poor fuzzy bumblebee, with the only weapon that made sense- 

a vacuum.

I vacuumed that poor bee right up.  It was an epic battle of gargantuan proportions.  He buzzed around on the window...I panicked...he sat on the windowsill...I cried...he cleaned his little antennae...I hyperventilated.  Eventually I sucked him up.  I could SEE him in the clear container of the vacuum.  Wanna know another reason why bees freak me out??

I was still totally afraid the bee was alive in the canister, so I made Bob empty it.  When he did...NO BEE.

No BEEEEEE????

I was shocked.  Even MORE shocked, I assure you, when I FOUND THAT SAME BEE about a week later in the basement, TOTALLY FREE OF HIS VACUUM PRISON.  But dead.

HE HAD ESCAPED.

 

Actually, sir, I DO NOT!!!  I prefer my bees WELL CAPTIVE, thank you!

2. Bee flight was, until recently, a mystery in terms of our understanding of aerodynamics.  Now, it all makes sense.  I'm sure you already know all the details so I won't bore you with them here.

3. Bees dance around to tell each other information.  Sort of like young people at a bar, only the bees are giving directions to resources, not to their private parts.

4. And probably some other stuff I can't think of.  I'm pretty much an expert on bees.

But I did NOT know...

5- what Bob told me today. Male bees will BREAK OFF their penises inside the Queen Bee in order to increase the chances that they will be the successful mate of the Queen and their offspring will be born.  BEES ARE EXTREME!!!

Say goodbye to your penis, little dude.

This reminded me of

6- another thing I know about bees.  They also basically rip off half their body when they sting something, resulting in a slow and painful death.  That's one of the reasons that bees tend not to sting- it's EXTREME.  I bet they are pretty careful about their sex lives, too, if it means sacrificing their bits.

I guess my musings are mostly about bees today.

But at least I'm back on the blog wagon, so to speak.  I'll try and write more.  If it means all those jerks I teach get 85% instead of real grades, so be it.  It's a matter of priorities, people.

Moral of this story: When vacuuming bees, be sure to use a hammer instead of a vacuum, because apparently they can escape a whirling vortex of death.  Freaking bees.