Turning Down the Funny? Um...not...funny.

So I'm writing up my application for Masterchef Canada.

It might be really ill-advised.  I just watched a couple episodes of the American version and while most of what they did I think I could handle, I don't know if it's a scene that I would thrive in.  I might end up being a villainous joke.  There's always "that guy" on the show, and I feel like if I wasn't careful, I would be "that guy" before they realized that I am not in fact a guy at all.

Doubts aside, I'm writing up the application, and I'm finding it tricky.

For one, it is making me think about myself in ways that are too self-reflective for something that is sort of imaginary at this point.  There are questions like "What is your single greatest achievement?" and "What is the one word that you would use to describe yourself?"

These are the questions that we get on job interviews that we laugh at later, and make jokes about saying ridiculous crap to.

"My single biggest accomplishment thus far has to be when I ate six pounds of feta cheese in one sitting.  No one witnessed it, but I know that it was amazing."

"One word that I always use to describe myself is 'bonanza'."

"I'd have to say that my greatest achievement has been that I haven't had a haircut in over a year."

"I like to say I'm 'oblique'."

I mean, what the hell?  I wrote stuff about how I'm happy, and my life is swell, so that's a pretty big deal.  I haven't picked a word.  Masterchef is one word in the title of the show, I kind of feel like being an ass and putting that.

I kind of feel like being an even BIGGER ass and writing something like "Belt."

At least it doesn't ask which animal I would be, or what colour I am.  Um...red panda, and...greeny beige, I guess.

I'm finding it a bit tricky reining in the tendency to write smartaleck crap all through the form.  I haven't completely lost it, though- I figure, if they are going to take me on this show, they need to know what they are in for.  One of the ways that I deal with stress (if you haven't figured it out already) is through humour.  I make a lot of jokes in a lot of stupid situations because otherwise I will freak out or cry, and I don't like to do either (although I'm certainly not immune) so I "crack wise".

Another reason that I might turn out to be "that guy".

"You know who should be kicked off this show?  That wiseass Heather.  What does that even MEAN, she describes herself as 'ottoman'???"

Anyway, I thought I'd write an entry about not being funny, which is a bit of a left turn for me and this blog, but it's helping me get some of the sarcasm out of my system so I can be ever so slightly more serious for the serious business that is my online application to a reality television cooking program.

...wait.  What?

 

Being a Flash in the Pan? Funny.

People have a strong desire to be part of "something big".

 Probably not like, in the way that you would become part of a dinosaur if it ate you.  Even though it's big, and you'd be part of it, I think it's more an intrinsic "big" that we're looking for, here.

They seek the latest trend, they jump in front of cameras, they show up at events they think might be important or talked about or whatever.  This behaviour might be fueled by a wish to be famous, or to do something good, or to just be a participant in the collective, or whatever, but no matter the case- I feel that I can use this compulsion to my advantage.

Things like this are evidence that support my claim.  They all just wanna be a part of it.

I recently went to Jubilations for the first time with Bob and some friends.  I was pretty impressed with the performance overall- I am always amazed that there are people who can sing and dance at the same time.  It's not often that people do either really very well, so it's pretty dang spectacular when they can do both at a standard that is superior to, say, a strutting chicken bokking.

Hey, man.  There's a whole DANCE named in my honour.  Maybe you know it???

At Jubilations, they pull people up on stage during the intermissions and have them dance around because it's their birthday, or it's their anniversary, or whatever such nonsense.  It becomes obvious very quickly why some people are paid to be on stage, and others pay a lot of money to watch those people.

But it also becomes apparent that even though people might be a bunch of talentless bums, they are perfectly willing to show off their lack of skills to whoever might be watching.  I know that I am prone to this- I sing far more often than someone in my predicament of "not being able to" should, and I have been known on occasion to "bust a move", as they say.

"They" being this guy.

It's a horrible and amazing product of the human condition.  People can be convinced without too much struggle to get out there and do stuff in public.

While we were at Jubilations, they sang the Birthday Song to the people on the stage who were celebrating their birthday that evening.  Or, I guess I should clarify a couple points about that:
1. They sang a ridiculous, made-up song that they claimed was the Birthday Song but wasn't all "Happy Birthday to You", it was the Batman Theme song with a lot of jazz hands and mostly them singing "Birthday" over and over.  Actually, not even mostly.  Now that I sing it again in my head, it was entirely "Birthday" over and over.
2. They sang to those people who claimed they had a birthday that evening.  I don't think they checked ID, so I think we might never know for sure.

"Yes!  Got the Birthday Song and IT'S NOT EVEN MY BIRTHDAY!!!"

Anyway, this led to the joke that next birthday, Brittany would sing the Birthday Song (a la Jubilations) to Danielle, who is not a fan of public nuisance and carrying on, at least not when it involves her and her birthday and singing about it and jazz hands.

And really, who can blame here?  Those are the ingredients for disaster.

OR...

The ingredients for a HILARIOUS MASTERPIECE, full of delicious laughter with a sprinkling of snorts and a dash of chortle.

I kept going with that one because I wanted to use the word "chortle".  Also, here is a picture of a team platter from some pub.  Looks good, eh?

I'm not one to let someone's discomfort at well-meaning public humiliation go unnoticed, so I joked that we should all head down to Danielle's work (which is at a huge mall, so very public) and sing her the Birthday Song really, really loudly and really jazz-hand the crap outta the performance.

I think this might actually be a picture of me.  Hm.

THEN I thought, even BETTER: why not make it a flash mob?  See, this is how this whole entry is coming back around.  People love doing public stunts, and right now people are SO on board with the "flash mob" mentality.  

An aside: first, note my super-apt use of "mentality" up there to combo with "mob"- 3x damage!!  Then, think about this- why don't we have a flash mob where we flash people?  Doesn't that seem really obvious???  Or maybe that's how the whole thing started...if only I wasn't too lazy to look it up.  Nope, my googling skills will be used solely for the purpose of finding funny pictures to supplement my writing, in case people get bored of the ol' words.

All we'd need to do is put out an ad on all the social media outlets- facebook, twitter, craigslist, kijiji, the evening news...that there is going to be this SUPER AWESOME IMPORTANT FLASH MOB that raises awareness about cuticle health, aging and comic book legends (simultaneously!  We care about a lot of causes) happening at the local large mall at precisely whatever time.  Prepare your best jazz hands, your loudest singing voice and be sure to direct the bulk of your energy directly at the most embarrassed looking girl there, as she suffers from unhealthy cuticles, aging and a lack of Batman in her life.

Another aside.  I have no idea, frankly, the condition of Danielle's cuticles.  But I would hazard a guess that they are fine.  I just need a cause that the jazz hands raise awareness of.

The result would be, in my mind, and perhaps in reality- thousands of people show up and sing the Birthday Song at once.  Hilarious, and amazing.  If I can work in a public marriage proposal, I'm fairly certain that it would be the stuff of youtube legend.

In closing, this:

...which is one of the things that comes up when you google "I miss Batman".  

...is it terrible that I laughed a little?

Moral of the story: Always participate in flash mobs.  Always.  Even when they seem stupid.  Because you never know when it's one of mine.