Speaking of Bees...

Bob told me something else that I must add to the "Extreme Bee" list.

Bee venom can kill HIV.

That, and their barf makes honey.

That is all.

Just another day at the office, amirite??

That First Sip? Funny.

I used to work at Wal-Mart.

Even Robert Pattinson is grossed out by this.

I shouldn't start an entry like that, with an awful admission of terribleness, but it is true.  "Used to work" there is sort of a weird way to put it when it was over ten years ago, and it was for but a brief, horrible moment, and it was during high school, but there it is- I used to work at Wal-Mart.
I was hired to work in ladies wear.  My job consisted of mostly folding clothes and being belittled by a manager I had never met, but I occasionally had to cover breaks at the fitting rooms. 
Later, I moved to cashier, which was better pay and had a different manager, one who did not leave rude notes about my lack of performance in the clothing department in the communications binder.
Working there was the worst.  I'm sorry if you love Wal-Mart.  It means that you are a jerk.  It means that you are willing to support a giant, faceless, small-business absorbing, employee-abusing, completely void of morals mega-store and I want to kick you in the knee.  The truth is, it was really, really awful.

 

 Wal-Mart is bad.  Apparently they hate this guy's community.

People would treat me like total crap.  Customers and my bosses.  I eventually was given an ultimatum- I either had to stop playing soccer and going on family vacation, to make myself more available for shifts at Wal-Mart- or I had to quit.
Hmmmm gee I wonder which I chose?

 

 E=MC FU, Wal-Mart

I remember always thinking that I was so much better than that place.
Anyway, that's not the point.
When I worked in the changerooms and at the cash, people would sometimes buy clothing that they wanted to wear right away.
"Would you like a bag for that?"
"No, I'm going to wear it right now."
And I'd cut off the tag and they would wear it out.  It was usually a coat or a sweater or something.  I don't recall anyone buying a fancy dress and marching out wearing it.  But now that I think about it, I don't recall Wal-Mart selling what I would consider a "fancy" dress.

 

 But if they did, she would buy it.  On employee discount day.

 It was a normal event.  It didn't strike me as weird at all.  I have bought things and worn them right away- usually when there was a drastic turn of the weather and I was improperly dressed or when something I was wearing became suddenly unwearable- ripped pants, hole in the sock, big gross stain on the shirt.  Something like that.  I never did this at Wal-Mart, but it has happened.

Bob and I saw this amazing dude crossing the street near our house yesterday.  He looked something like this:

...and he was holding this:

...inside this:

...which made for a bit of a funny scene.  I wish I had taken his picture but you'll just have to add it up in your head: guy in pajamas + six pack of Labatt Ice + plastic bag = funny.
I admit, I made some jokes at his expense.
"Take a look at this guy.  'Want beer...ahhhhhh...gotta put on pants...nah, it's just Braeside, I'm going like this.  Who's gonna see me?  I'll never have a girlfriend.'"
"But you know he wants to stay classy.  Notice he's asked for a plastic bag for his Labatt Ice.  'I don't want to be walking around just carrying liquor out in the open!  What will people think??'"

Which got us to thinking-
When you go to the liquor store, they almost always ask if you want a bag if you are buying something in a bottle.  If you buy something in a box, they usually don't.

I figure I need to go to the liquor store and get something that they will want to put in a bag.

When they ask if I want a bag, or start to put it in one, I'll refuse the bag and tell them I'm going to drink it right now.

"No bag, thank you, I'm going to have it now."

Steps for further success:
- ask the clerk to remove the cork/lid/whatever for you.
- crack that sucker open and take a good long swig, right there.

There are laws against public intoxication, but I think that the public drinking laws are sort of gray area.  I think there are some vague bylaws against drinking in places that aren't either private property or designated for alcohol consumption, but I'm not sure how that would apply to liquor stores.  After all, they host liquor tastings all the time- they give booze away FOR FREE and you are expected to drink it right then and there.  Isn't it even more on the up and up to buy your own and just go for it?

To me, this is very funny.  It's like the buying of the clothes to wear immediately (which, btw, I didn't delve into- there are many funny avenues within that realm, mostly including underwear), but with potentially more dramatic reactions.

There's a kid who serves me at the Co-op liquor store about half the time I go there.  I think he's about 19.  He ID'd me once, when I had hurt my back and hobbled in like a very, very old lady and bought something only adults would buy- a $25 bottle of wine or something, no Sourpuss or Boone's- and when he saw that I am WELL within the legal drinking age, he said "Augh" and made a face like Robert Pattinson.  He handed me back my ID and told me I was doing a good job.

I'm not sure if that was a compliment or an insult.

Anyway, I think he's probably the perfect target for this funny follow-through.  I can just see his face now as I take a giant sip of my Jim Beam or whatever disgusting thing I buy.

 More of this, I predict.

For those who don't drink: try this out with food.  Now, I know what you're thinking- people buy and consume food immediately all the time, moron.  We call this "eating at a restaurant".  I'm suggesting trying this out at a grocery store, and choosing something not generally consumed immediately- bag of salad, whole tomato, french baguette...

 

 This.

I was driving with my family once and we saw a woman driving beside us, nomming down on what was either a turkey or lamb leg.  Flintstones style.  We still talk about it, it was that amazing.  Don't we all want to be legendary like that?

Moral of this story: I don't always drink Labatt Ice.  But when I do, I wear pajamas and carry it in a plastic bag.  Stay classy, my friends.

BEEn a long time...

So, I have thought about writing in this blog for a really long time.  Months, or something like that.  I even have some entry-starters saved in a note on my phone, ready for me to flesh out into internet glory.

But I kept not doing it.  Busy with work, or being a goodfornothing layabout.  Some excuse.

Anyway, I haven't chosen a topic for this entry.  It's not going to be a composed piece about something funny that we should all do.

Instead, it will be a bunch of ramblings and trivia that I think is interesting or funny.

For your consideration:

EXTREME BEES!!!

Bees are really weird.

Bob reads the "I Fucking Love Science" stuff that goes around on the interwebs.  Some of it is interesting, some of it is false, some of it is hilarious.  He keeps me in the loop of the stuff he finds noteworthy.  Today he told me some information about bees.

I already know some about bees.

   What I Already Know About Bees

1. Bees freak me out.  I had one in the house, a big fat bumblebee.  It wasn't its fault.  It probably just wanted to get the hell out and fly to the hive and dance a jig about being trapped in a human house, and then make honey.  But they scare me, probably as a result of this:

Which is what happens when I am stung by a wasp.

I know that's not fair to bees.  But I know that people who are allergic to bees sometimes die from it, and I can only assume, in my vast knowledge on the subject, that I will die if a bee even lands on me.  So I fought that bee, that poor fuzzy bumblebee, with the only weapon that made sense- 

a vacuum.

I vacuumed that poor bee right up.  It was an epic battle of gargantuan proportions.  He buzzed around on the window...I panicked...he sat on the windowsill...I cried...he cleaned his little antennae...I hyperventilated.  Eventually I sucked him up.  I could SEE him in the clear container of the vacuum.  Wanna know another reason why bees freak me out??

I was still totally afraid the bee was alive in the canister, so I made Bob empty it.  When he did...NO BEE.

No BEEEEEE????

I was shocked.  Even MORE shocked, I assure you, when I FOUND THAT SAME BEE about a week later in the basement, TOTALLY FREE OF HIS VACUUM PRISON.  But dead.

HE HAD ESCAPED.

 

Actually, sir, I DO NOT!!!  I prefer my bees WELL CAPTIVE, thank you!

2. Bee flight was, until recently, a mystery in terms of our understanding of aerodynamics.  Now, it all makes sense.  I'm sure you already know all the details so I won't bore you with them here.

3. Bees dance around to tell each other information.  Sort of like young people at a bar, only the bees are giving directions to resources, not to their private parts.

4. And probably some other stuff I can't think of.  I'm pretty much an expert on bees.

But I did NOT know...

5- what Bob told me today. Male bees will BREAK OFF their penises inside the Queen Bee in order to increase the chances that they will be the successful mate of the Queen and their offspring will be born.  BEES ARE EXTREME!!!

Say goodbye to your penis, little dude.

This reminded me of

6- another thing I know about bees.  They also basically rip off half their body when they sting something, resulting in a slow and painful death.  That's one of the reasons that bees tend not to sting- it's EXTREME.  I bet they are pretty careful about their sex lives, too, if it means sacrificing their bits.

I guess my musings are mostly about bees today.

But at least I'm back on the blog wagon, so to speak.  I'll try and write more.  If it means all those jerks I teach get 85% instead of real grades, so be it.  It's a matter of priorities, people.

Moral of this story: When vacuuming bees, be sure to use a hammer instead of a vacuum, because apparently they can escape a whirling vortex of death.  Freaking bees.