It's another one where I'm not feeling funny. And again, if you want to skip it, go ahead. But I noticed that last time I wrote one where I was feeling introspective rather than hilarious I had more reads than any other entry...so perhaps, as you may have done last time, read on.
One of my students is no longer going to come to school.
It's because she is afraid of other people there. Other students. Kids.
Other kids have made her feel badly about herself. We, the adults, didn't manage to make it a safe place for her, for one reason or another, and now she isn't coming back.
I don't have a lot of understanding of how this all came to pass. I don't understand, not because I didn't see people treating her poorly, not because I didn't see her slowly deteriorating, not because there weren't warning signs...but because I don't understand how children can be so cruel to each other. I don't understand how her light, her brilliance, her spirit did not shine enough for them to see and for them to embrace.
She is a remarkable young person and I don't know what's going to happen to her.
I once told her that she is the one I talk about to my husband and say "She's going to do something important. She's incredible."
Now she doesn't even want to come to school.
I feel guilty, because I didn't manage to say anything to her that made her want to stay. I feel guilty because I didn't make school an environment that she felt comfortable in. I know that it's not "my" fault. I know that I can't "save" everyone, and it would be ridiculous for me to think that I am SO important in her life that whatever I did would have a big enough impact on her to change her way of thinking.
But I still feel guilty.
I also feel scared. I have met hundreds of children over the years. Some make a very lasting impression...usually those who have some sort of trouble, some sort of personal crisis that I become involved with in some way. I think back on those children and I wonder what has happened to them. Did they manage to come out of those depths and find themselves at the surface? Or did they sink into oblivion, forget every reason to keep trying and disappear? I am scared that this person, this very young girl, is going to disappear and be lost to all of us forever. Losing any child is a horrible waste. Losing this child is horrifying me.
I don't know how to fix it. I am not under the impression that it is my responsibility, or my place, or my destiny or anything like that. But I definitely feel like someone needs to remind this girl that she is important and she is special and she is worth whatever we can give.
I hope I haven't missed my chance to do what I can in her life. I hope that I can still look her in the eye and tell her that she is better than she feels right now. I hope that anyone who has the chance to make another person feel like they are worth it- like they are special, like they are wanted, like they are loved- will do it. Don't miss your chance and find out that the person is gone. Do it now. Tell them.
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