Being a "Professional"? Funny.

So you are all probably wondering why it has taken me so long to write another blog entry.

You're probably not wondering that hard, because you are a regular reader, and were thinking:

"Heather is competing on Masterchef Canada and is far too busy kicking  cooking kicking ass to write.  I eagerly anticipate the televised event of this century."

 

Uh, I think I won't comment on this picture, because it's too weird to type what I immediately thought about this kid's pose.

Yeah, that should be the reason why.  But NOOOO.

The reason why is far less exciting.  It's mostly because I've been uninspired.

 

I've been doing a healthy amount of this.

Now don't fret.  It is not because the world has lost its funny, or because I lost my fingers in a terrible fishing accident and can't type.

Nope, that happened to someone else.

A safety tip: Don't google "Fishing accident" in the images.  Just...don't.

It's simply because I have not managed to put into words the hilarity that I have witnessed over the last several months.

It is NOT because I was becoming Canada's first Masterchef.  Nope.

What what WHAAAAT???  You ask.  HOW CAN THIS BE???  It was...YOUR DESTINY!!!

 

I am outraged!!!

As fate would have it, that tricksy bitch, I am not able to compete on a show for amateurs.  This is because, according to the show, I am not an amateur.

I am...A PROFESSIONAL.

 

So, who the hell is this guy?  Well, I googled "The Most Professional Person" and this guy is numero 3.  So not quite the winner.

What what WHAAAAT???  You ask.  HOW CAN THIS BE???  What is it that you do again?

I'm a junior high teacher.  Last year, when I was applying to the show, I was teaching Science 7, Science 9, Art 7, Ceramics 7, Foods 7 and Foods 9.  This year, I'm teaching Spanish 7, Spanish 8, Foods 7, 8, 9 and French 7.

According to the show, it is my profession (junior high jack of all trades) that makes me overqualified for the show, no longer a mere amateur but elevated to the rank of PROFESSIONAL.

I present to you the following holes in the logic...
1. I teach science.  I am not a scientist.
2. I teach art.  I am not an artist.
3. I teach ceramics.  I am not a potter.
4. I teach Spanish.  I do not hail from Spain, or Mexico, or wherever else they speak Spanish.
An aside.  How many jerks have you met that think people in Mexico speak Mexican?  I bet more than five.
5. I teach French.  I am also not from France.  I didn't learn Quebecois, which I'm fairly certain is its own dialect, unlike "Mexican".
6. I used to teach other things: Health, for example.  I taught sexual health.  It is open to personal opinion whether or not I would rank as "professional" in that department.

 

...coming soon, to a TV near you.  Don't worry, I'm not going to apply.

But, alas, there was no arguing with them.  I am too pro for those bros.

It was probably for the best, really.  It's not like I don't have opportunity to cook if I'm not being filmed.  I also am happy to be at home rather than in some hotel, hanging out with weirdos and missing my friends and family.  I have my job at the school, which provides a reasonable amount of amusement.  

I will leave you with this recent gem from within the walls of my workplace...

So I see this kid wearing this shirt:

...but it was kind of folded, on the left, a bit.  So it read more like this:

...and I was all "WHAT ARE YOU WEAAAARRRRRINNNNNGGGG????????"

And he said, straightening it out- "Um, Nice Swag Bro?"

And I said, clearing my throat- "Um, I know.  I dig it.  Carry on."

See how I'm so professional?  This time, I didn't accidentally tell him what I thought his shirt said.  I used my words and asked a question before accidentally screaming "VAG!!!" in front of thirty teenagers.

Moral of this story: I'm so good at my job it makes me sick.