The first place I lived after moving back to Calgary and finally vacating my parents' house was a basement suite in Marda Loop. It was old and creaky and full of spiders, as basements are so often.
There were some good things about living in that place, as well as bad...my landlord, who lived upstairs, is a really nice guy and offered me, on just about every occasion I met him, weed. Seems his time was divided between working, smoking dope and having loud sex with various females. I know, because I could hear every single thing he did upstairs.
He had a fusbal table, and I don't know if he just wasn't very good, or if he was really really emphatic in his play, but the ball would leap off the table a lot and roll across the floor...my ceiling.
I knew when he liked a girl, because he'd spend a lot of "time" on her, and he'd also be pretty vocal. There was one girl over a lot who he REALLY seemed to like, and it was a shame when she moved away; the silver lining was the next girl he brought home, he liked less, and he was really quiet about it.
Anyway that has very little to do with this story. It's just sort of funny in itself, and one of those life lessons we learn when we are young and think we're poor and live in a basement- don't live in a goddamn basement. They are full of spiders and gas leaks and the sounds of passion from above.
I lived there for a year, and Bob moved in about halfway. It was much nicer to have company. We'd laugh about our landlord and his escapades. When Bob moved in, landlord was out back, smoking a big fat joint with his friend, and we were trying to move a couch in. Moving into a basement is a pain the ass, especially when it has narrow doorways that end in turns. We were trying to figure out the best plan of attack when buddy puts down his joint and is like "I'm an engineer. I can get this in." He sizes up the couch, mutters a bit, and nods.
It can be done!
Next thing we realize, him and landlord grab the couch and cram it bodily through the door, scraping the frame, ripping the couch and putting a really big dent in the wall.
It was awesome.
Again, though, that isn't what this story is about. But another life lesson- two dudes smoking pot are probably not the wisest of movers, but they will provide you with some comedic relief on an otherwise mundane and crappy day of heavy lifting.
Bob and I lived there over one winter holiday, and the neighbourhood is similar to any other in Calgary in the wintertime- snowy, under-plowed, and occasionally brightly lit with Christmas lights.
Across the street from our house was an evergreen tree. It should have looked just like every other evergreen tree- a Christmas tree, a green triangle that is broad at the base and pointed at the top, waiting to be adorned with an angel (with a tree up her butt) or a star.
But no, the guy who owns that tree has trimmed it so that it is upside-down. Instead of the base being broad, the top is. And the bottom is a point. So it looks like an upside-down Christmas tree.
We always laughed at the tree because it's weird and why the hell would you trim it that way? It became even funnier when winter came around and the guy put Christmas lights on it, drawing even more attention to its weirdness.
We figured it was time to complete the look. We cut a big star out of cardboard and covered it in tin foil so we could place it at the base of that tree. The upside-down Christmas tree.
So funny, right? Except this was in the early stages of comedic follow through...and even though we had all the tools, and everything was in place, we didn't actually ever get around to putting the star at the bottom of the tree. Maybe it was too much residual pot smoke, made us apathetic.
This is not the only case of stealth decoration that we have pondered. We have also found numerous horrible, hilarious or offensive items in thrift stores or art shops or wherever which we feel would make marvelous (secret) additions to other people's properties and homes. For example:
1. At the clay place, they have this bisque baby with a sunflower around its head. Like one of those damn Anne Geddes things, where the babies look like Halloween corpse babies. I'm sorry if you like those things. I think they're awful. You get to buy the bisque pieces and then you paint them as you like and they fire them and you take them home. This sunflower baby is empty-eyed and just about the creepiest thing I've ever seen. If only it didn't break the rule of not costly...it's a hundred bucks or something! A lottery win joke, for sure.
2. On the topic of clay, we painted a bunch of really amateurish figurines with friends in a round of extreme painting. No one wanted to keep them, because we did a terrible job and they are embarrassing. We considered taking them to social gatherings and leaving them in random spots. In the end, Kim took them all to her Mom's and she, being the lovely soul that she is, took them in and gave them a home.
3. I think the following would be funny to leave at other people's houses: clothing (not incriminating clothing, but funny stuff- like a weird hat, or one shoe...); wall hangings (get something good...like some really funny scripture); food (in the fridge- you don't want to ruin their house. But getting a really weird item of food, like pork hocks, and leaving it in the fridge, is funny to me.).
4. Those lawn displays of flamingos and whatnot that people get delivered and later removed could stand some improvement. Mainly, you get all that set up, like it's going to get removed...and then it just stays there. He he he.
I like keeping people guessing. To me, the funniest part of this is thinking about people discovering my work and thinking "Where the heck did that come from??". I especially like imagining that they aren't sure if they did it themselves.
Moral of this story: Mess with Thy Neighbour. I'm pretty sure it's a commandment.
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